It’s the start of a New Year. Just in case you missed it.
Anyway, I don’t really “do” resolutions. But I’m not immune to the common trap of thinking about my life and where it’s going, where it’s been and what I wish for. Lately, that thinking has centered around relationships.
Relationships of all kinds. Love would be nice. I’d like to be in love, be loved. But really, most of my thoughts have been centered mostly on friendships. And sadly, mostly on friendships that seem to be fading or completely faded.
This past year my longest friend, the one I’ve known since sixth grade informed me via a Facebook post that she would never ever speak to me again. It crushed me. I understand her anger. I missed her son’s baptism and I was meant to be one of his godmothers. In my defense, though not in her eyes it seems, I was in the emergency room for five hours the night before. When I got home from the ER I slept for about 20 hours straight because of the drugs they gave me. I didn’t call. I didn’t explain. And she was furious. And she won’t forgive me. I can’t really do anything about it. I tried writing to her after the fact. My then boyfriend even wrote to her. She never answered. While I understand how much of a let down my missing the major life event was- it crushed me to have missed it, too- I really didn’t have a choice. I was incapacitated. So, sadly- tragically to me- I have to add this to the list of friendships gone forever.
There is one other friendship I think I’ve lost for good that I still mourn. Again, I can take the blame. I couldn’t handle the parameters of what he needed. What he wanted. And while I know I wanted (and probably needed) more, I still miss him. Almost every day. I wrote him a note the other week. He never responded. So, I’ll add that to the same list as above.
The rest? They are the slow fades. You have to know what I mean, right? This can’t just happen to me.
These are the friendships that were both big and important and small and not so meaningful. They’ve gone from whatever they were to…nothing. Or close enough to.
The “best friend” who you couldn’t imagine living without last year, has suddenly become someone you only hear from once or twice a week. Or less. I’m happy for them. That they’ve found a place to belong and that a person so far away from them isn’t their sole source of friendship anymore. Doesn’t mean I don’t miss them. Doesn’t mean I don’t wonder why it has to be. If I did something to cause it’s slow demise. Or if I should work harder to save it.
The “always depend on” friend, who was always ready to hang out, talk, chill, whatever. They are still there. Still ready to help whenever they can. But you don’t call as often. They don’t call you as often. You go weeks without seeing each other. Maybe I was too busy. Maybe I worried too much that my life is too different for them. Maybe it’s nothing and I just feel alone because so much is different I don’t know what normal is anymore.
And I recognize that this all in my own perception. That things might be completely the same as before and I just don’t realize it. Or maybe it’s my fault. That I’ve put distance between me and everyone else. I don’t know.
If I was to make a resolution, maybe I’d make one that said, “Be a better friend, find better friends and learn what real friendship means.”