Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

Does my heart break because I expect it to?  Is it really inevitable?  If I would instead, determine that it won’t bother me at all, could I really escape unharmed?

I’ve been pondering these questions today as I recover from yet another heart wrenching Mother’s Day.  In years past, I thought I’d be ok, that the pain wouldn’t get to me too badly.  I’d brave the saccharine church services; turn a blind eye to the flowers pinned on mother’s breasts and try in vain to ignore the longing in my soul to be counted among the recognized.  This year, I decided to not bother.  To hibernate away in seclusion and stop pretending that I am invincible.  I thought perhaps to spare myself the added pain of public pretending.

While I was spared from telling lies of smiles and nods to friends because I didn’t want to ruin their day, I was all too free to grieve to the fullest and I certainly did.  I screamed and cried and sobbed until my throat was raw.  I clawed at the tiles on the shower wall when the hot spray no longer soothed me.  I cursed at God who seemed the easiest target and in turn ran into His open arms to finally feel the only comfort that could be offered.  I said my children’s names as if they might otherwise be forgotten.  I dreamed of the day when I’d finally be able to hold them near. 

And now.  Today.  I wonder.

Was that really any better?  What did it accomplish other than to feed my own selfish feelings of wanting to matter.  I thought my heart would break and so it did.  Should I not instead decide to be happy for the life I live and therefore be happy?  Could it really be that easy? 

I don’t know.  It’s too late to undo yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try tomorrow a different way and see if the result is any better.  My suspicion is that there is not ‘better’ when it comes to heartache.  It is what is and coping only the lie we tell ourselves to somehow cling to a hope of a healing not yet here. 

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About liferepressed

* I write because I don't like who I am when I stay silent. I write because I'd rather give up breathing than writing. I don't claim to be good, but I claim to try. I hope to make people think, to consider the state of their own lives. I try to write about things that matter. Not everything I write is serious, though, as laughing matters. I write and hope you will read.
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19 Responses to Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

  1. MisFishie says:

    I’m so sorry you have to go through all that,I know my sorry will not help anything but its all I can come up with.

  2. @MisFishie – I appreciate it.  

  3. sle21408 says:

    I had my spill of tears yesterday too. I know how you feel sweetie. *hug*

  4. @sle21408 – Thanks.  For everything.

  5. sle21408 says:

    @repressedwriter – Absolutely, you are welcome hon.

  6. AlterEgo909 says:

    I’m sorry *HUGS* if that makes anything better I’m not sure, but I’m sorry

  7. @sarahfus – @flann00 – Thanks.  @AlterEgo909 – There really isn’t anything that can make it better, but it is nice to know people care. 

  8. @flann00 – Thanks for the rec, too.  I didn’t see that right away.  

  9. tish hey says:

    Jody,  How painful.  Yet your words are beautiful in a hard way.  Thank you for sharing your heart.

  10. dirtbubble says:

    Who knows how we heal from all of this? Keep searching.

  11. @dirtbubble – Thanks and thanks especially for the rec.

  12. niikhita says:

    This was both beautiful and sad. I hope things get better. ā¤

  13. china_doll26 says:

    hope you’ll have emotional healing.. šŸ™‚

  14. echois23 says:

    I have no words…I’m praying for you

  15. Erick says:

    Wow, there is really much useful data here! web 9 4. The writer is totally right, and there is no skepticism. 6 1 3. This will not actually have effect, I think so. 5 web link. This will not have effect in reality, that is what I believe.

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